Tuesday, May 10, 2016

Honesty

I’m sitting in an embarrassing spot.

I’m in a car, in a crosswalk.

You know the feeling, you were going a bit too fast, the light changed a second before you expected it, and you come to a halt just a little over the line, in the crosswalk.

Has that never happened to you?

Well, I sat there itching to get out of my predicament, while in slow motion the cars to the right of me turned. The ones to the left turned into their far lane. The ones straight ahead laughed past me. By that time I was figuring someone was in a control booth with a push button for the traffic light, watching me sweat.

I flashed on a time long ago. I was a Dental Assistant in downtown The Dalles, Oregon. The office was on the second story with a window where we could see down to the sidewalk and street below.  I was alone. I looked down at the people below and at a man standing waiting for the light to change.

He was a sitting duck.

The water spray from the dental unit could reach to the window.

I aimed. I pushed the lever. A direct hit.

His reaction makes me laugh every time I think of it.

Payback time.

The following is just too good to pass up:

If any of you have ever queried or applied for a job you can identify.

From #Mary Shannon
#Honest Cover Letter
Dear Hiring Manager,

I am writing to you because I really, really need a fucking job and this particular position with your company/organization, at this juncture in my life, seems good enough.

Your company/organization is appealing to me only because of its potential to provide me a salary, and a matching 401(k) program if I’m lucky. I am passionate about bullshitting my skills, and have done so in countless cover letters such as this one, and I hope to utilize this passion to serve your company/organization’s benefit. 

I may add a line or two here directly from your mission statement, to show I’ve done my research!
This position is listed as entry-level and requires 3 years of experience in addition to a Bachelor’s degree, and a Master’s degree is preferred. That’s pretty fucked up, so this is where I’ll try to embellish my one year of international non-profit experience to make it seem commensurate with additional experience in the field. Insert quantified outcomes here! I am confident I can translate this background to effectively [verbatim buzz-phrase from job posting] and [verbatim buzz-phrase from job posting].
I swear on my mom’s life that I was a really good student at my University (i.e. please don’t make me prove it by having to provide transcripts) and this part is where I’ll tell you about all the accomplishments I achieved when I was a student, hoping that you’ll deem them worthy of consideration as experience, and that you’re even still reading this letter. Now I’ll mention my undergraduate involvement with [student organization] and [student organization], student organizations dedicated to [something even remotely related to what your company/organization does], and use it as an example of literally any type of skill set you could possibly require. By the way, if you haven’t noticed yet, I have fucking great verbal and written communication skills, and I will say so directly here.
I understand you’re likely reading hundreds of similar cover letters from other young twenty-somethings who did everything they were told and did well in school and got their degrees and are now also facing the constant feeling of impending doom that is unemployment… but I can promise you that I’m different and unique and exactly what you need! I look forward to learning more about this opportunity as an employee with your company/organization, a company/organization with which my career goals and personal values only moderately align. I also look forward to any future occasion during which I can convince you to hire me. If I haven’t been abundantly clear, I’m very broke and need this. You can contact me at [email] or [phone number] at almost any time of any day because I’m usually not doing much aside from applying for other jobs, watching Netflix, and having panic attacks about my future. In the meantime, thank you for your consideration!
Sincerely,
Mary Shannon
P.S. As you may have noticed I signed up to be a Travel Agent with Incentive Travel Connection. And as an independent agent who does not have to answer to anyone but herself, I am placing notice that I will not sell tickets, cruises, beverage packages, anything on #The Royal Caribbean Cruise Line.



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